what being an "off beat" artist is like.

 when people ask what i do for a living i tell them im an artist/photographer. because that is what i do, i don't have a mainstream job and i don't work for "the man". i make about 50 dollars a year off of my art sales. so im not rich or famous and i defiantly couldn't live off of the dough i rake in. i could however buy my kids a dinner out or my husband some new socks. i don't really complain about the fact that i don't roll in riches. because art is naturally what i do. i was born to spew creativity. i do have a couple fans who help support my dreams as an artist, and for those few people i am so grateful.

i have thousands of photographs, literally thousands. i adventure and explore and find places no one sees.. i spend many hours between adventures and going through my photographs. i spend money to have them printed so i can have the physical photographs for sale. I get yelled at because i under charge... by a lot, lol. but i want to share my POV and all the beautiful things i find with everyone!!!  i get asked a lot for deals on photo shoots, my paintings, photographs.... i cannot afford to give them out. its just not possible... if it was id sooooooooo give it away! lol


ive even drempt of having a zine, selling them for 2.00 makes me feel bad but ink costs and paper costs.... its fucking expensive to give it away for zero. expensive hobbie is expensive.

i don't have a target audience. i just sort of hope other people like the sames weirs shit as me. like i cant do a craft show.... its not a craft, and its definitely not the correct audience. flea markets cost much and don town shows are fucking too expensive i wont even make a profit... id lose money. 

Its hard to keep a positive outlook, i never get feed back, i don't sell anything, and its depressing. like REALLY REALLY depressing. i already have a messed up way of thinking. the only time i get real feed back is from bands i shot. i have my photographs being used by companies working with these bands ( i dont get paid i get credit though ). but shooting concerts isn't my dream. its fun and i love action shots, and if i got paid to do it ... i wouldn't complain. ( like i am now). the excitement from this kind of feed back is very short lived lol. 

i wish i had a less obscure  talent. lol!!! meh. i used to romanticize this kind of life, now i wish i could go back and slap the romance out of my younger self. ive lived for art and expression since forever. what a shitty thing to do lol xD im always mad at myself for doing this to myself. lol my husband calls me a non conformist.  maybe im just too stubborn to give up on a childhood dream? 

maybe i dont make prints of the right stuff? maybe im just garbage at "art" lol maybe i dont make are i make trash? bleh. this is a depressing blog post. 

i dunno i think i do ok. i want to do more portraits, but people wont let me shoot them.... is it because i dont have a portrait portfolio? or because i dont charge an arm and a leg? lol 20 bucks for an hour and a shit ton of pictures is... too little? too much? i have ideas constantly.... omg my brain is always thinking of locations, props, models i want to work with ( people i know). no one takes me seriously when i say i want to do this. :/ maybe im a joke? 

are all artists not taken seriously? hmm. maybe thats it, do i have to cut my ear off and die in order to be noticed?  i dunno i guess art is all relative.  i see one thing everyone else sees hot garbage water. ok ok ok im dont with my shitty blog post. sorry if i depressed you, sorry if you wasted your time.

back to life. 

i love you.